E ven if you love your man, his sex moves may leave you wanting. Fortunately, with a little tactful communication, your lovemaking can quickly go from lackluster to lusty. Read on for sex experts’ tips on how to turn your guy into the lover of your dreams…
Back in my single life, there was one man I couldn’t get enough of. His touch made me shiver. His kisses lit me up like a pinball machine. But when we got into bed, and he started moving south – well, his technique did too. I like the slow build of the tango, and he was doing the jitterbug.
Soon, my brain started whirring: Should I say something? Stop him? Change positions? Can’t he tell? Hey, I confirmed my lunch tomorrow, right? It’s never good when my erotic mind starts running through my to-do list. Then I thought, Uh-oh! He’s been gunning the engine for a while and probably wondering why I haven’t crossed the finish line. I wanted to reward his perseverance. And since he was the type to ask if I’d had an orgasm, and I didn’t want to lie, I focused really hard. Somehow, I pulled a big finish out of thin air. Bad sex is like being stuck in gridlock traffic: You’re there for the duration. And you wonder, with a mix of disappointment and frustration, if you’re ever going get where you want to be.
But does it really matter, those of us with a cynical side might ask, especially if everything else in the relationship is clicking? The answer, simply put, is yes. “Sex is the bond that repairs the wear and tear of life together,” says Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., author of Frommer’s/AARP Places for Passion: The 75 Most Romantic Destinations in the World (FrommerMedia). Every long-term relationship has some angst, conflict and turmoil, she says. “[Sex] brings you back together and makes you feel like you’re able to connect and love again.” But transforming a lackluster lover into a breathtaking bed partner requires courage, creativity and tact. Here are 6 ways to create your own Casanova:
1. Quit Faking It
Your guy is trying to get from point A (foreplay) to point B (your orgasm). But he’s never going to get there if you keep sending him down the wrong road. And that’s exactly what you’re doing if you give an Academy Award-winning performance that tells him he’s found your sweet spot when he’s not even in the ballpark. Put another way, if you fake it a lot you won’t get what you need because you’re steering your man in the wrong direction, Schwartz says. But there are times when it’s OK to “bring in some smoke and mirrors,” Schwartz says.
adult video nastyninja.com.
WE RECOMMEND THE VIDEO: adult video nastyninja.com
For example, when you’re reconnecting after a breakup. “When things are emotionally difficult between you and your partner, but he’s doing this masterful job to show you that he loves you, not having an orgasm may be more symbolically powerful than it should be,” Schwartz says. In this case, “the guy needs reinforcement, and your relationship needs reinforcement. So just give him the orgasm.” Or perhaps his ego is linked to whether or not you climax. “Some men take it very personally [if you don’t have an orgasm],” Schwartz explains. “If you don’t want to do relationship work at that moment but you’ll do it later, then you might want to do a great enactment of an orgasm.” Still, pull this trick out only on rare occasions.
“It really will backfire on both of you if this becomes the ongoing answer to what is essentially a communication and relationship issue,” Schwartz cautions. One more crucial point: If you do fall back on theatrics, take it to your grave. “Don’t ever tell” your partner, she advises. “Once you tell them, they’ll wonder if you’re ever real.” 2. Speak Up, Nicely
As children we all learned that if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything. Which is fine when Great Aunt Gertrude gives you a puce, hand-knitted sweater. But staying silent doesn’t apply to your bedroom partner; so you’ll need to find a way to speak your mind when it comes to sex. “Everybody’s responsible for their own orgasm,” says Richard Siegel, a certified sex therapist in Boynton Beach, Fla.
“If you’re too embarrassed or self-conscious [to talk about it], that’s a sign of a problem right out of the gate.” Be diplomatic, though. People think the other person will be hurt, Sugg says. “Or they get frustrated because they haven’t said anything and by the time they do, it comes out in a snarky way," Sugg says. That’s one reason to nip a problem in the bud (or bed), ideally. You can spare his feelings by combining a teeny white lie (“Mmm, that feels nice”) with some focused, detailed guidance (“What would really send me to the moon is if you [your preference here].”). For example, does your partner have a tendency to cut to the main course while you want to linger over appetizers?
Maybe you’ll discover you both like role-play or want to try some of the positions in the Kama Sutra. The exercise helps couples learn “that sex is about mutual pleasuring and fun and sharing intimacy instead of performance and pressure,” Siegel says. 5. Praise Him
One night my partner of 10 years stumbled quite by accident on an erogenous zone even I didn’t know about. “That! That thing you just did! Do that more!” I managed to stammer between the shock waves. “Men love that,” Sugg says. “They’ll do what we want, but we need to be able to tell them," she says. "That’s the key.”
6. Check In with Him
To paraphrase JFK’s famous quote, ask not what your man can do for you, but what you can do for your man. It’s a win-win situation. Getting him to talk about what he wants and what you could do to heighten his pleasure opens the door for you to express what you want in bed, Schwartz says. The result? Your mind will stop wandering to the pile of work on your desk and you might even call in sick so you can spend more time in the sack.
By subscribing you agree to the Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.
The Latest in Sexual Health
Why Young Americans Are Having Less Sex Than Ever Before
A newly published study that wrapped up two years before the pandemic finds that young people are having less sex in the 21st century.
By Jessica Migala August 11, 2020
A His-and-Hers Sexual Health Issue
A man’s penile microbiome could predict whether his female partner develops bacterial vaginosis, study suggests.
By Stacey Colino August 5, 2020
5 Tips for Choosing the Best Sex Therapist for You and Your Partner
Looking for a qualified therapist to help you with your sexual issues, but baffled about where to start? Here’s what you need to know.
By Catherine Pearson March 9, 2020
7 Sex-Positive Wellness Gifts
From your smartphone to the bedroom, these sexual wellness gifts are guaranteed to turn heads and curl toes.
By Laura McArdle March 6, 2020
What Is a Sex Therapist and How Can One Help Me?
Whether you’re dealing with sexual function issues or intimacy concerns, a sex therapist can help.
By Catherine Pearson March 5, 2020